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How to get even

“Get even (for).” Merriam-Webster.com Thesaurus, Merriam-Webster, https://www.merriam-webster.com/thesaurus/get%20even%20%28for%29. Accessed 9 Apr. 2022.

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Angry? Resentful? Add insight to injury and get happy dammit!

Dumped? Fired? Scorned? Humiliated? Totally pissed off? If so, I’ve got great news! You might be on your way to living your best life ever—if you consciously choose to channel this pain into fuel—and use it to motivate yourself to become your highest potential self!

In fact, I’m a big believer that some of the most positive times in people’s lives are when they reach “To-hell-with-this!” Yes, that blessed “Post-to-hell-with-this” time can be an empowering time of inner-growth and increased happiness.

I admit that when challenging times first surface, it’s not one’s first instinct to do a happy dance. But when you take time to pause and add insight to injury, you will immediately start to feel empowered to make those majorly needed life shifts. Indeed, I believe all the challenges in your life are here as assignments—to motivate you to wake up and finally have the guts to leave the safety of your familiar ways.

After all, if you keep doing what you’re always doing, you’ll keep getting what you’re always getting. The best things in life are often waiting for you at the exit ramp of your comfort zone. Every bad breakup offers you the opportunity for a huge relationship breakthrough. Every disappointing ending offers you the opportunity for a better, wiser beginning!

With this in mind, I’ve even gone so far as to re-nickname a cheating ex of mine as “Teacher”—because I feel, thanks to him, I became much wiser and more appreciative of what makes for a healthy, happy relationship. I even replaced this cheating ex’s name in my cell phone as “Teacher”—should he ever choose to call.

I know it’s tempting to want to indulge in the bittersweet pleasure of feeling grumpily right about being wronged. But there are so many more benefits to letting go and moving positively forward.

Let me start to explain more about what I mean by sharing a little story about a snake and a mistake.

There once was a woman who was wandering in the desert and was bitten by a poisonous snake. All she could think about was how angry she was at this poisonous snake for biting her and angry at herself for wandering in the desert. And so she could not relax, forgive the snake, forgive herself, and thereby calmly see that she could solve this poison problem and save her life, simply by sucking out the poison from her arm, as she’d learned years ago—but forgotten because she was angry. She passed away. The lesson learned? Forgiveness is a panacea for what ails you.

Basically, it’s in your best mental interest to release your anger so you can see the world more clearly around you, and seek better solutions for finding the happy, love-filled life you desire and deserve.

It also helps during times of anger to remind yourself that it’s not only unhealthy for your mental state, but also for your body, creating coronary heart disease and high blood pressure. Researchers at the University of Ohio have also reported an interesting finding: Angry people take even longer to recover from injury!

Plus, anger has also been shown to be at the root of many addictions as far-ranging as drug, alcohol, food, and shopping addictions. Addicts seek these vices to avoid feeling the pain of past resentments. Their anger becomes a boomerang—a “boomer-anger” of sorts—by coming back at them to whack them with an addiction.

A recent study by the University of Wisconsin did a test comparing “Forgiveness Therapy” versus routine drug/alcohol therapy. They showed that “Forgiveness Therapy” helped to relieve the anger behind substance abuse even more successfully than routine drug/alcohol therapy. Not only did subjects display faster success, but they created less recidivism.

Plus, many quantum physicists believe angry people give off an angry vibration which can be felt in a larger universal energy field—thereby attracting negative circumstances. In contrast, positive, loving energy attracts positive results. Basically, quantum physicists believe that just as there is an alluring sexual attraction (which people can feel, but not see), there’s also angry energy repulsion (which people can feel, but not see). If you think angry thoughts, you will literally emit an angry vibration that can be intuitively felt by others—as if you’re giving off an anti-charisma.

Whether you believe in what quantum physicists put forth—or not—there are many reasons for re-focusing your angry thoughts during times of upset and conflict—and choosing not to focus on getting even, but instead choosing to focus on getting even better. Below are 10 tips to help you do just that!

1. Whenever you feel like you want to tell off a wrongdoer with big, fat, juicy, angry words, talk to yourself instead. Remind yourself: “I cannot always control what goes on outside. But I can control what goes on inside. I forgive whatever has happened in my past—and am determined to gain insights on how to wisely avoid situations like this one in my future and re-direct my energies in wiser ways—which will lead me to attain the life I want.”

2. Encourage yourself to believe that everything happens for a reason. Then choose to seek and find that reason consciously.

3. Write a thank-you letter to whoever has done you wrong for all you’ve learned. Don’t send it. Keep it nearby to read every time you find yourself slipping back into your angry thoughts.

4. Tell yourself: “We are all good, loving souls who occasionally get lost.”

5. Remind yourself of a time you were forgiven. Be altruistic. Forgive back the one who has done you wrong.

6. Remind yourself that when you resent someone, you give them control of your emotions. You don’t want to give whoever has done you wrong that kind of power.

7. Remind yourself when you respond with hate to hate, anger to anger, bitterness to bitterness, you ironically become part of the problem.

8. If you’re feeling stressed in general, supplement your SAM-e levels. SAM-e is a naturally occurring molecule produced in the body that becomes depleted due to stress, age, and diet.

9. Remind yourself that when you train your brain to think more loving thoughts, your positive energy attracts more positive people and results. Plus, being peaceful makes you far sexier—so you’re more of a love magnet instead of a negativity magnet.

10. Remember: Living a happy, successful life is the best revenge!

Note: A lot of this article was originally in Karen Salmansohn’s The Bounce Back Book —now gearing up for its 7th printing.

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How to get even Get Even
TV Review
How to get even Get Even
Official trailer

Get Even

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A Lot or a Little?

The parents’ guide to what’s in this TV show.

What Parents Need to Know

Parents need to know that Get Even is a teen mystery set at an elite English private school, where a mismatched group of high school girls who’ve banded together to bring school bullies and wrongdoers to justice are shocked when they discover a murder. That murder is not shown on-screen, though we do see the body of a dead teen. A subplot involves photos of a teen in her underwear that are stolen and shared with her classmates. Romantic complications also play a part in this drama; expect flirting, dating, and kissing, same- and opposite-sex, as well as references to sex. Teens drink to the point of drunkenness at parties and make poor choices when drinking. Characters are fairly stereotypical, but we do learn things about their background that put their worst behaviors into perspective. Characters are also diverse in terms of race, socioeconomic status, and ethnicity, if not age or body type. A group of teen girls work together to combat cruelty and oppose bullying.

Community Reviews

  • Parents say (3)
  • Kids say (30)

Good for younger viewers

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a really good show

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What's the Story?

When people act despicably at elite private school Bannerman, a quartet of classmates vows not to get mad, but instead to GET EVEN. The DGM (Don’t Get Mad) crew doesn’t have much in common, except a desire to expose wrongdoers: Kitty (Kim Adis) is an all-around super student who’s beloved by students and administrators alike, Bree (Mia McKenna-Bruce) is a punkish outsider from a wealthy background, Margot (Bethany Antonia) is a math and tech whiz whom other students consider a bit of a geek, and Olivia (Jessica Alexander) seems perfect and popular on the surface but has more problems than her it-girl status would suggest. All DGM wants to do is bring bullies to justice. But when someone at Bannerman winds up murdered, it’s up to them to figure out who’s responsible, all the while staying under the radar of the law enforcement officers investigating the case.

Is It Any Good?

Teen mystery shows are a dime a dozen, but this British-made series nails the mystery part: You may not be able to resist zipping through the whole series to find out who done it and why. With episodes that are each under 30 minutes and a simple and clear (yet interestingly twisty) plot arc, Get Even just speeds by. Where it falls down is in the characterizations. Kitty, Bree, Margot, and Olivia seem more like types than real people, and they don’t deepen greatly as the series goes on. Get Even is also full of the kind of unrealistic contrivances that figure so often in teen dramas but not in real life: parent-free parties in elegant mansions, for instance, and confrontations that take place in front of the whole student body in the cafeteria.

Still, buzzy dramas like Gossip Girl, Riverdale, and Pretty Little Liars also leaned hard on said contrivances and paper-thin characters and succeeded due to their compelling mysteries, and Get Even easily reaches their levels plotwise. Characters have dark secrets, past misdeeds are uncovered, and twists are doled out at just the right pace to keep you watching. It may not be great art, but it’s good television, particularly for viewers who have a yen for teens caught in involving mysteries.

Talk to Your Kids About .

Families can talk about bullying. What instances of bullying exist in Get Even? What different forms can bullying take? Is any one form more or less harmful than another? What role does technology play in bullying in real life, and on the show?

Teens: Do you think this series paints an accurate portrait of teen life? Are the characters’ troubles relatable to you? Why or why not? What kinds of stereotypes does this show reinforce or challenge? How does what you see of teen life on TV or in movies influence your own life? Parents: Talk to teens about the role models and messages in shows like this.

Parents: Ask your kids how the issues and conflicts on the show are similar to and different from those in real teens’ lives. Who are the “good” characters, and what makes them different from the “bad” ones?

How to get even

How to get even

How to get even

How to get even

How to get even

How to get even

Ну не знаю. Даже для 2017 года слабоватенько. Да и 1500 рублей за это – грабеж. Хорошо, что бесплатно получил, а не покупал. Ну тут за ценовую политику следует винить издателя.

реиграбельности то никакой в итоге и нет. Максимум меняются коды от дверей и всё. И то не везде, а только в парочке мест.

игра поощряет прохождение игры по-тихому. Тогда нахрена нужен этот навороченный "Корнер-ган"? Были намеки на головоломки с использованием этого оружия. Но в игре только одна головоломка с ним. Я не понимаю, как можно было похерить ЭКШЕН-составляющую.

они особо и не бесят. Даже наоборот, мне было интересно наблюдать за изменениями в тех же самых локациях. Правда, очень бесили сцены с флэшбеками, где пол выстраивается перед тобой по мере передвижения. Это еще один жирный минус для игры.

эта игра – симулятор ходьбы. И этой игре нельзя было быть только СИМУЛЯТОРОМ ХОДЬБЫ. Изредкие стел-моменты и шутер-моменты это конечно хорошо, но С*КА МАЛО. ГГ всю игру собирает бумажки, которые спустя час игры уже тошно читать. Для достижений или секретных ответвлений в локациях их нужно собрать. ВСЕ. БУМАЖКИ. СОБРАТЬ. ДЛЯ СЕКРЕТНОЙ КОМНАТКИ. В КОТОРОЙ БУДЕТ ОРУЖИЕ. ♥♥♥♥*НУТЫЕ.
Т.е. Я! Должен собрать все GOVNO, рандомно разбросанное по локации. Чтобы открыть новое оружие? Да идите на**й.

ТАК, слишком много НЕГАТИВА. Про оптимизацию и говорить не хочется. Надо найти в игре что-то хорошее.

Ну за это действительно респект. Самое лучшее в этой игре – это звуки. Амбиент здесь просто охренительный. Звуки волнения персонажа тоже очень хороши. Нагнетающая музыка необычна. Я в восторге. Наверное разработчики только над этим и потрудились.

Ну он не плох. Местами спорный. Завязка и развязка в игре интересные. Середина игры уже тухлячок. Есть правда одна проблемка в подаче сюжета. Огромная часть контента подаётся ХАЛТУРНО в записочках. Точно такой же проблемой грешит игра CONTROL. Еще раз повторюсь, что читать записки каждые 2 минуты полный зашквар.
В игре 2 концовки есть. Прошел ясен хрен на плохую. Буду потом пытаться на хорошую.

В целом, за бесплатно поиграть можно, но только любителям детективных триллеров. Покупать не рекомендую. Особенно за такую цену!

How to get even

Get Even is coming to Netflix on Friday, and trust: You’re going to want a second season. The Pretty Little Liars–esque show revolves around a group of four classmates who band together to expose their private high school’s bullies by forming DGM (as in Don’t Get Mad…Get Even). But naturally, they get framed for murder in the process, as you do. Here’s the trailer if you desperately need something to look forward to:

Sooooo, will there be a second season of this juicy teen thriller? Here’s what we know so far….

The Show Hasn’t Been Renewed—but Don’t Spiral

Get Even originally aired on the BBC back in February and already has a big fan base waiting for season 2 as a result. That’s the good news. The semi-bad news is now that Netflix is involved, chances are the show won’t get a second season renewal until the streaming service assesses just how well it does on its platform. This could take as long as several weeks (Outer Banks literally only just got renewed), so no need to panic just yet.

Bonus: We Already Know the Plot of Season 2

Well, kinda. Get Even is based on author Gretchen McNeil’s Don’t Get Mad book series, and for clues about what season 2 might be about, we can turn to book number two, Get Dirty.

Here’s a description of the plot from McNeil’s website:

“The members of Don’t Get Mad aren’t just mad anymore…they’re afraid. And with Margot in a coma and Bree stuck in juvie, it’s up to Olivia and Kitty to try to catch their deadly tormentor. But just as the girls are about to go on the offensive, Ed the Head reveals a shocking secret that turns all their theories upside down. The killer could be anyone, and this time he—or she—is out for more than just revenge.

“The girls desperately try to discover the killer’s identity as their personal lives are falling apart: Donté is pulling away from Kitty and seems to be hiding a secret of his own, Bree is under house arrest, and Olivia’s mother is on an emotional downward spiral. The killer is closing in, the threats are becoming more personal, and when the police refuse to listen, the girls have no choice but to confront their anonymous friend…or die trying.”

In other words, if you’re desperate for more Get Even, go ahead and follow McNeil’s advice:

I have some entitled old white man berating me via email because he didn’t realize GET EVEN was the first book in a series so as more people read the book leading up to the Netflix show, just a heads up that there’s a sequel called GET DIRTY you might want to read as well. 😜

— Gretchen McNeil (@GretchenMcNeil) July 20, 2020

We’ll be updating this post with casting and filming news as more info comes out about season 2, but until then, just gonna go ahead and drop this here….

Getting even doesn’t have to get you in trouble. You’ve already got some pain, stress and anger, or you wouldn’t even be thinking about getting even. What you are looking for is a feeling of resolution. 

How to get even

Think about it. If you were to “get even,” that would mean you would feel like things have been made right somehow.

So, what we’re looking for is a way for you to feel right, without creating a new problem for yourself.

Our approach here is that you’re a good person, and doing something really harmful to another person won’t feel good to you in the long run.

I know, you want the other person to suffer like you have–maybe they already are. 

What’s Wrong With Making Them Suffer?

That’s a good question (even if I did think of it myself). I don’t have the last word on this, but here are some thoughts to consider about causing pain for others:

  • What goes around really does come around.
  • The question is, do you want to be on that not-so-merry-go-round?
  • The old “tit for tat,” back-and-forth, conflict and injury, getting even game leads to pain for everyone, and nobody really wins.
  • There is a school of thought that says, when you hurt someone else you’re hurting yourself. Whether you believe it or not, it’s something to think about.

Those are just some things to think about when it comes to getting even. Again. you’ve already got a problem, so you don’t want to just add a new one. 

How Do I Get Even Without Getting Revenge?

Good question. Since we’ve decided it’s a feeling you’re going for, then let’s figure out how to get that feeling without creating new problems for you.

There are two parts to getting even–the other person, and you. First let’s take a look at the other person.

What do you want the other person to feel and experience?

  • You want them to know they hurt you.  They do. At some level, they know what they’ve done. The subconscious mind is tremendously smart, and we all know when we’ve hurt another person.

How to get even

  • You don’t want them to get away with it. They won’t, even though it looks like they are. Sooner or later, they will feel the consequences for what they’ve done. Life balances itself out, and has its own justice. Nobody ever really “gets away with” anything. That’s part of how we evolve and improve as a species.
  • You may want them to hurt like you do. Well, nobody knows your pain but you, so you’re not going to get this one entirely. This “wanting them to hurt like you hurt” is a futile attempt to get the pain inside you out and into another person. It just doesn’t work, and if you do it too much you become an abuser.
  • You want them to “learn a lesson.” They will. Life guarantees it. Study history, read literature, read the great philosophers, and study religion. You will see that we all have to learn, the easy way or the hard way.
  • Nature seeks balance. Trust it.

Whether you agree with the above viewpoints or not, give them a try. If you can believe just a little of this, it will help you with your anger and desire for getting even. You’re not the grim reaper, and if you try to be, you’ll only end up hurting yourself. 

What Do You Want To Feel When You’re Getting Even?

  • You want to feel “even.” That feeling, by the way, comes from inside you, not from someone else If you subscribe to some of the above beliefs, for example, you will feel “even” even if the other person has not suffered the way you think they should.
  • You want to feel that you can go on with your life. That’s a choice. Work for the feelings you need to have, then go on with your life. Do the three-part journaling process described  on this page , and it will help you tremendously with moving on.
  • You want to be happy and feel good about yourself, and that’s really why you’re reading this page about getting even. You don’t have to wait to get that done. Learn about  self love  and  goodfinding  to build your happiness and self esteem.

I think you’re getting the idea here. Being the “avenger” can really backfire on you, and you don’t want that. Follow the links and ideas above, and you’ll be able to feel the sense of balance and “all is well” that you’re looking for.

I think you’ll also enjoy this article, Don’t Get Even, Get Even Better!

And, here’s a novel idea. how about forgiving instead of getting even? I know, you may not be anywhere near that possibility, but you can sure get closer by listening to this program on Love Anger and Forgiveness

How to get even

LOVE, ANGER AND FORGIVENESS:
Creating Joy and Healing in All of Your Relationships 

Discover and learn to make the powerful journey from anger through forgiveness and back to love.  Love is who you are at the core of your being , and there is always a deep yearning within you to return to your true nature.

These  unique and dynamic anger management CDs will  help you to understand the essence of love, anger and forgiveness in all of your relationships. 

The best revenge is living well. If you want to get even, the one thing you can do to get even is to live a good life. I used to create all kinds of revenge schemes to get back at people I felt wronged me.

I’m grateful that I learned the best thing I could do to get even was to live a great life. I could live a life that I enjoyed that was an example of how great I was and how good I was doing. The person I wanted to get even with could look at my life and say “wow, look how good he’s doing.” When they looked at me, I would get even. They would look at me and wish they had what I had.

This method doesn’t require you to fight with anyone. If all you want to do is prove you’re living a good life to get even then you don’t have to worry about the person at all.

You don’t even have to show them you’re living a good life. I am grateful a lot of people have said my videos are helpful in getting through relationship issues. You don’t have to see who you’re trying to get even with and rub it in their face that you’re doing well. It’s for you. The point of it is for you to feel good and for you to have a good life. The person you’re trying to get even with is irrelevant. It’s all up to you. After all, why would you want to get even with anyone at all except to hurt them? Hurting other people always ends up bringing pain back down on you.

It took me a long time to see that when I try to hurt myself I end up hurting other people in the process. I was so insensitive I couldn’t feel that I was hurting myself when I was hurting other people. I’ve learned now that if I ever try to hurt someone, I’m guaranteeing more pain and suffering for myself. I learned this before my life got better. This was one of the easiest things for me to learn because I always had people I wanted to get revenge at. Everyone was always wronging me because I love playing the victim. Everyone always had to be the perpetrator and I had to get even with them.

I’ve stopped trying to get even with other people. I’ve realized that everyone is here to help me even if it might not look like it. At first, I wanted to get even with the people that asked me to quit my job. I was desperate to show them how good I was doing in my life. Then over time, I started to realize they don’t care about me either way. What difference does it make in my life? They did what they needed to do just like I did what I needed to do.

In a world where we’re all doing our best, there’s no need to show anyone how good you’re doing. There’s no point in trying to show someone you’re getting better or show someone what a good person you are. The universe will draw whatever you need to you at all times.

Often, we use criticism from others to motivate us to do something better in our lives. If you can let go of doing it for them and start doing it for yourself, then you can keep doing it. The problem is if you’re motivated by showing someone else you’ve changed. When you try to prove things to them and they don’t respond positively, that’s a perfect chance to relapse.

That’s why today I do things for me with other people in mind. That way, whatever other people do won’t pull the legs out from whatever I’m doing. For example, I try to eat healthy every single day. I try to take care of myself. I do that for me because I want to feel good. Sure, I am in the position with what I’m sharing about getting even. I could go to all kinds of people and say look how good I’m doing. But what if they give me back that same energy?

All of the sudden what I’ve done isn’t good enough anymore. The worst thing that could happen is for me to feel like what I’m doing isn’t good enough for me anymore. I have to live with me every day. I don’t have to live with you every day. There’s no one I have to live with every day except me.

Today it’s most important I feel like I’m enough to myself because that’s who I’m most accountable to. Today, I’m grateful to know that and that’s why I’m sharing it with you.

I pray to remember that the best way to get even is to live a good life. I pray to live a life that’s worth showing people and worth leading by example. I pray to not take the chance and to not push getting even on anyone. I pray to live my life because it’s worth living this way for me and not to hang the fact that I live it this way on any person. I pray that by sharing this you have the same opportunities I do today to live a peaceful life. I pray that your best revenge for anything you think is wrong is to have a great life because. Thank you for reading this, I hope you have a great day today.

Ready to build a stronger relationship? Try my How To Date, Build a Relationship, and Stay In Love course.

business man voodoo doll with needles laying on white (iStock)

A colleague steals your idea and then undermines you in front of the boss. It’s human nature to want revenge. But will getting even make you feel better in the long run?

People are motivated to seek revenge — to harm someone who has harmed them — when they feel attacked, mistreated or socially rejected. Getting an eye for an eye, Old Testament-style, is thought to bring a sense of catharsis and closure.

A growing body of research suggests it may have the opposite effect.

While most of us won’t engage in the type of vengeful displays that grab headlines or warrant prison time, our everyday lives often include small acts of retaliation such as gossiping about a neighbor who snubbed you, lashing out on Yelp after poor customer service or engaging in the endless Twitter tit for tat typified by certain elected officials.

Evolutionary psychologists believe we are hard-wired for revenge. Without laws and prisons, our earliest ancestors relied on the fear of retaliation to help keep the peace and correct injustices. “Acts of revenge not only sought to deter a second harmful act by a wrongdoer but also acted as an insurance policy against future harm by others, a warning signal that you’re someone who will not tolerate mistreatment,” says Michael McCullough, a professor of psychology at the University of Miami.

In modern life, betrayal and social rejection hurt. The desire to repair that pain and improve our mood may be one of the things that motivates us to seek revenge, according to six studies published this year in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.

In one experiment, researchers asked 156 college students to write a short essay that would be submitted for comments. The essays were randomly assigned to receive either positive feedback (“great essay!”) or negative ones (“one of the worst essays that I have EVER read!”). Afterward, all participants were given a test that measured their emotional state, and then offered the chance to retaliate by sticking pins into a voodoo doll that represented the grader of the essay.

Researchers found what we might suspect: Getting revenge felt good. After sticking their dolls, the vengeful participants, whose moods slumped after they read their negative feedback, reported a rise in their moods to a level on par with those who had received the positive comments. (Those who received positive feedback showed no change in mood after the voodoo doll task.)

In another experiment, 167 participants were invited to play a video game where some players were snubbed by others. Rejected players were given the chance to seek revenge by increasing the volume in the other players’ headphones. But before they could retaliate, some received what they were told was a cognition-enhancing drug (actually, a placebo) that would steady their mood for 60 minutes.

While most wronged players turned up the volume, those who took the placebo — and presumably thought they wouldn’t get a mood boost for doing so — were less likely to retaliate, supporting the notion that we choose revenge because we think it will make us feel better, explains David Chester, a Virginia Commonwealth University assistant professor who studies the psychological and biological processes involved in human aggression.

Revenge may provide a lift, but the positive effects appear to be fleeting, according to new research by Chester that has not yet been published. “Revenge can feel really good in the moment,” he says, “but when we follow up with people five minutes, 10 minutes and 45 minutes later, they actually report feeling worse than they did before they sought revenge.”

Seeking revenge can backfire — but not for the reasons you may think. University of Virginia psychology professor Timothy Wilson and colleagues conducted a study in 2008 on the “paradoxical consequences” of revenge.

Study participants played an investment game where they were told that they could earn money if they all cooperated but that if one player betrayed the group, that person would earn more and the other players would earn less, an experimental construct known as the “free-rider paradigm.”

Researchers staged the game so that players were double-crossed and some were given the chance to retaliate. When asked by researchers how they imagined they would feel after seeking revenge, the players predicted it would make them feel better. But when surveyed afterward, those who had retaliated reported feeling worse than players who didn’t get the opportunity to punish and so had “moved on.”

Seeking revenge may remind us of the pain we experienced when we were wronged and can make an event appear even larger in our minds, Wilson theorizes. “By not retaliating, we’re able to find other ways of coping, like telling ourselves that it wasn’t such a big deal,” he says.

Ruminating about getting even — stewing over what the person did to you and what you would like to do in return — can interfere with day-to-day well-being and happiness.

“When someone persists in revenge fantasies, over time they can develop anxiety and remorse, as well as feelings of shame,” says California-based psychotherapist Beverly Engel, who treats clients who have been abused and often struggle with vengeful thoughts. These feelings can also take up important cognitive resources, depleting you of time and energy that could be better spent on healthier, more constructive ways of dealing with anger, such as learning to accept the injustice, putting yourself in the other person’s shoes or acknowledging that you, too, may have hurt someone in similar ways, says Engel, author of the book “It Wasn’t Your Fault.”

Research suggests that when it comes to valuable relationships, “what the angry mind ultimately wants is a change of heart from the transgressor,” McCullough says. He points to studies showing that when a victim receives an explanation and an apology, the desire for revenge weakens. (Other research suggests that doctors who apologize to patients when they have made a mistake may decrease their risk of a lawsuit.)

It may seem counterintuitive, but sometimes the most helpful thing a wronged party can do is to create conditions that make it easier for the person who hurt you to be honest about what they did and to take responsibility, McCullough says.

“You’re not giving the person a free pass,” he says, but it may be in your best interest “to stay open to an apology” and “to help pave a road” that would allow the offender to make it up to you.

Take this year’s World Series, for example, in which Dodgers pitcher Yu Darvish was the victim of a racially insensitive insult and gesture by a player on the Houston Astros. Instead of retaliating, Darvish accepted the player’s apology, tweeted that “no one is perfect” and asked fans to “stay positive and move forward instead of focusing on anger.”

“Revenge may make you feel better for a moment,” McCullough adds, “but making the effort to repair a valuable relationship can pay bigger dividends over a lifetime.”

How to get even

‘Get Even’ is streaming on BBC iPlayer now. Credit: BBC

Get Even is a British teen drama based on a book of the same name by Gretchen McNeil. The show premiered in the UK earlier this year on BBC iPlayer.

The series follows four girls at an elite private school, all from different cliques, who band together as the anonymous D.G.M. to fight injustice at the school and take down bullies. The show is reminiscent of classic teen mystery thrillers such as Pretty Little Liars and Riverdale, however, Get Even sets itself apart with its British setting and cast as well as the racial diversity. The four main characters are Kitty Wei (British Asian actress Kim Adis), Bree Deringer (Mia McKenna-Bruce), Margot Rivers (Black British actress Bethany Antonia) and Olivia Hayes, (Jessica Alexander). Aside from the main characters, there is racial diversity across the cast of Get Even, with many of the side characters also being people of colour with similar levels of nuance in their characterisations.

How to get even

Credit: BBC

People of colour deserve to see themselves represented in stories that aren’t just about their race/marginalisation, and so it is very refreshing to see a mainstream TV show like Get Even presenting an accurate portrayal of the diverse world we live in.

But despite the wonderful representation in the show, this is far from the case in most mainstream media. Actor Mena Massoud, known for playing the title role in Disney’s live action adaptation of Aladdin, recently opened up about his struggles of finding work after the movie. Despite the movie’s success, with a total box office of more than $1billion, Massoud has not been able to find another major role since the movie’s release last year. In an interview with the Daily Beast, Massoud said: “I’m kind of tired of staying quiet about it… I want people to know that it’s not always dandelions and roses when you’re doing something like Aladdin. ‘He must have made millions. He must be getting all these offers.’ It’s none of those things. I haven’t had a single audition since Aladdin came out.” And Massoud isn’t the only actor that highlights the industry’s diversity problem. The star of Killing Eve, Sandra Oh, discusses the lack of diversity in the industry, stating, “You could always feel that you were the quota.” A sentiment that stems from the way actors of colour are tokenised, taken in as the one diverse member on a set and used to essentially place a Band-Aid over a gaping systemic wound in the industry. Witnessing so many talented actors of colour come forward about the treatment they receive and the work they are denied is not only disheartening, it is unfortunately unsurprising.

How to get even

Sandra Oh has spoken about the industry’s problem with tokenism. Credit: Sid Gentle/BBC America

Get Even turns this around with having two of the four of the leading roles being played by actresses of colour who are not quotas and have layered personalities and lives. Kitty Wei is a student on a scholarship who loves sport and wants to not only do well for herself but also to make her very loving parents proud. She is flawed and doesn’t always do the right thing but is also a fierce friend. Margot Rivers is American and struggles with anxiety and making friends, but as the episodes progress she grows and even has a romantic interest or two. Both of these characterisations subvert tropes and stereotypes, especially with Margot’s character who is dark skinned and is allowed to be vulnerable and loved on the screen. Something that is hardly ever the case in media.

While the industry still has a long way to go, there have been slow improvements in mainstream TV and Film over the years. Groundbreaking shows such as Get Even, How To Get Away With Murder and Brooklyn 99 – as well as movies like Black Panther, Crazy Rich Asians and To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before. They were all commercial hits, showing the industry that stories centring the lives of people of colour do well and can be extremely successful.

How to get even

Credit: BBC

Get Even gets representation right by not having the characters of colour be tokens in a white persons story like we are so used to seeing in so many dramas. For the first time, not only are the main characters people of colour, but there are also incredible side characters such as mean girl Amber, portrayed by Black British actress Razan Nassar, and popular jock Donte, portrayed by Black British actor Chris J Gordon who both get their own interesting storylines. Get Even is a show that reinforces the fact that people of colour are not a monolith and can portray a wide range of characters excellently.

TV is meant to be an entertaining depiction of the realities in which we live, but this isn’t possible or accurate if only some people’s realities are shown and others minimised or hidden completely. In future more series should strive to not only have BIPOC (Black, Indigenous, and People of Colour) in their main casts, but also behind the camera and to understand that without diversity there is no moving forward or making the world a better and more inclusive place.